31 Oct Our love story. A modern-day failytale of good and evil.
Once upon a time there was a man. A man with a heart of gold but an aura full of trauma and sadness. He’d lost count of how many times he’d been hurt, threatened and betrayed. Life had driven him to the edge. He had become ruthless and indifferent towards hurting others. At some point he tried to flee from his sorrows by leaving land and family behind. But when it came down to it, he realised this wasn’t the way to go. So he went back home, faced his evils, took responsibility for his past and spent some more time behind bars. This time, out of free will.
This is when God sent him an angel. A determined and warmhearted man who showed him the ways of kundalini yoga. Our hero was hooked. As soon as he was a free man again, he started a kundalini yoga teacher training. Literally, 3 days later.
This is where I met him. I remember our first yoga trainingsweekend together. He walked around as if he’d just come from another planet. Absolutely lost and confused in this energy of warmth, happiness, love and high spirit. I felt an immediate and unexplainable attraction towards him, not romantically, but a love that felt very, very familiar. And I knew one thing: all this man needs, is someone he can trust. And I knew that someone was me. I just knew. He too felt an attraction towards me. A very romantic one..
So during this first trainingsweekends once a month, we hung out together. I knew it was a very, very thin thread that he held unto so I moved cautiously to gain his trust. Later, I learned that he was homeless and struggling with addictions during this time, but that he just knew he needed to be at the yogaweekends. For me, having been horribly traumatised by another man and going to the teacher trainings simply to recover, it was wonderful to realise that he was the only man I wasn’t afraid of. That I could trust him, even though I learned more and more about his past. Sometimes he would let me know how he felt about us, but I did not share his feelings.
About half a year after we met I was at work one morning and a very clear thought came into my head: I should call him. So I did. He’d just woken up and promised to call me back within half an hour. But he didn’t. Nor the next day or the day after.. Two weeks had passed when he finally called. He was waiting at the busstop near prison, where he’d just been released from. He apologised for not calling me back; he’d been arrested 20 minutes after we’d hung up.
But soon after he was unreachable again. And when he didn’t even show up at our yogaweekend, I figured he’d probably be in jail again. So the next Fridaynight I made up my mind: I would wait until Sunday for him to contact me and if he hadn’t, I would write to his parents to ask how I could reach him.
The next morning during breakfast he called from prison. Having prepared all of my questions the night before, I fired them all at him: Where was he? How could I reach him? Could I visit? Could we write? Call? Etcetera. I laughed when he told me I had to put his prisoner-number on my letters, this seemed so eighteenth century to me.
The first weeks in jail I could feel him drawing energy from me, needing to feel my love and support. When his verdict finally came, sixteen months prisontime, he had one clear thought: ‘So apparantly she needs sixteen months to recover.’ He found his way and stabilised so far so good, doing lots and lots of yoga in his prisoncel and being guided by a beautiful spirit who told him to be patient with me, that all I needed was to recover.
For the next sixteen months we stayed in touch. We wrote letters, emails and cards, he called me whenever he had some money, I visited him now and then and when he got some days off, we’d meet up with some of our yoga friends. During one of these meetings, he got an insight that he should move to my town, to help me out with my project of building a spiritual centre. Something that had already been clear to me for much longer; there would come a day that I wouldn’t know how I had ever managed this project without him.
Time passed and I recovered gradually. The day arrived when he could walk the earth freely again. He came to stay with me, so I could help him getting back on his feet. After a few weeks I had another yoga trainingsweek and on my way back home I realised how wonderful I had felt during this whole week and that I was finally recovered from all of the trauma. I finally felt like ‘me’ again. But arriving home, I found a desperate and lost man on the couch. Feeling alone, scared and confused he’d fallen back into some of his old habits. So the next week, I helped him to get rid of some of his demons and while he grew stronger, I started to realise I was missing something in this whole picture. Something so very obvious..
Thank God for sadhana! During this yogapractice the next morning I opened myself up for what I so clearly had been missing. And there they were: visions and visions of him as father of my children, as my husband, as my partner in everything. How could I not have seen this before?! I had been so focused on recovering that I had blocked myself for all of these images.. So, that afternoon when he came home I told him about my visions. He just smiled and said: I knew this would happen. And he showed me a tile that he’d just bought that day, which wrote: “Two souls, one thought.”
Being free from prison, does not free you from your past. Moments when we were over the moon together were followed by enormously stressful situations. Him having a normal job as a fisherman and us getting to know each others family and friends in between criminal aquaintances calling and police wrongly busting into our house felt as unreal as it was real. But not dealing with his past was not an option. Closure meant confrontation. So for weeks in a row, he would go away in the evening, dealing with all of these old aquaintances, closing all open ends.
The criminal world is not just another town you go to visit or another area in your neighbourhood. Legal and illegal practices are not as black and white as it may seem. There are 50 different shades in between, all around you everywhere. I had just never noticed any of this before. But it’s not a world you want to be in. Deals are as easily made as broken, even down to the most simple appointments (let’s meet at 15.00h) people are not trustworthy. Everything is vague and everyone is low spirited, if not addicted.
Worst of all are the men highest in this hierarchy, the alpha male in his ape kingdom. Having become an alpha male not by being father of the year, this man is not used to hearing “No.”. So if you want to leave his ape kingdom, you need to be prepared to lose everything. Including your life. These were the worst weeks of them all, when my love needed to deal with him. Some nights he would stay away almost all night, other evenings he was home but under so much stress that sleeping seemed like such a luxury. These weeks were so stressful and intense that it might actually make the future nights with a newborn crying baby something to look forward to.
Staying neutral in all of this was a real challenge. Our anger towards each other grew. At times we felt very insecure. Me of him not really ending his past. Him of wanting to leave me so I would be free from all this tension. But I knew he had to stay and we had to hang in there. And we both knew we are stronger together, we had to trust each other and we had to stand our ground. So those evenings I let him go and deal with his past, trusting that the universe brought us together for a very good reason and would bring him home safely again and again.
Of course the alpha male did not hear “No.” the first seven times. But we knew it would not be easy to make him see, so we stayed patient and trusted the process. And when he finally did understand, he got so angry for not getting his way he put a gun to my love’s head and made him give up everything he had, everything, while thinking, having lost it all would make him come crawling back sooner or later, obviously not understanding the power of love. That night a broke and broken man came home, but also a very relieved one.
A new chapter in our lives arrived. We stayed at my father’s for a few days to pick up the pieces and have some peace and quiet. We decided to end the rent of our appartment and to see in what way the universe would fill this enormous empty space we’d created. We relaxed, had some good nights sleep, reconnected and counted our blessings. In the end, indirectly we even heard that the alpha male wished us good luck.
A few days later we got an offer to go fishing together on the Norwegian and Barents seas for a few months. We recognized this invitation as the universe’s beautifully inventive way of solving our money and housing challenge and giving us a wonderful opportunity to connect even more strongly, having time for lots of yoga together, being in nature, feeling carried and free.
And this is where our story ends, for now. We feel very blessed we have so many beautiful people in our lives that love, help and support us and keep the yogaschool running. We live a blessed life. And yes, we know for sure: We’ll live happily ever after.